Showdown at the Not-so-Okay Corral

30 July 2011

I tried all week to get through to Boehner, but his website was crashed and his V-mail box full, so finally I called the Other Rupert to get some advice on how to hack into the Speaker’s mobile. My tacayo was happy to oblige, and, as luck would have it, I was able to pick up a call between Boehner and Rush, in which the latter was giving the former his marching orders for the last three days before Financial Armageddon.

“Here’s the deal, Johnny. Tell Mitch he’s got to get the bill out of the Senate by late Sunday, so it gets to you on Monday. Then you put back in all the things that the Senate took out and make sure it lands on Obama desk at quarter to midnight. He will either have to sign it or veto it, and if he vetos, he gets blamed for crashing the economy. Either way we win.”

“But if the economy crashes, don’t we all lose? Won’t it destroy our investment portfolios for the next decade and raise the cost of all our loans?”

Limbaugh uttered a jowly chuckle. “Maybe YOUR portfolios. Why do you think I have all those ads pushing investing in gold on my show?”

“I’m just a little concerned the American people might blame the Republicans for destroying the country.”

“Johnny, grow up. Sometimes you have to destroy a country to save it. Look what Bush did in Iraq!”

“And I hear some people are so mad they’re saying that if the Government can’t pay its bills, it should start by not making Congress’ payroll.”

“I got you covered there, B-man. I’ve already set up a fund to make you guys loans to tide you over. It’s call Tea Party Finance.”

“What will the terms be?”

“Favorable, I can assure you. I’ll charge you prime plus 8%. My advice is, lock in now, because after Tuesday rates are going up.”

“I guess there’s no way at this point to avoid a catastrophe. Because even if Obama agrees to our terms, it will suck so much money out of the economy we are guaranteed to fall into another recession.”

“I know, isn’t it great? The only way Obama could avoid that is if he put his inner lawyer on the bench and said, the hell with you guys, I’m just going to raise it on my own, and I dare you to impeach me.”

I lost the connection then.

Rupert Scofield


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