Mr. Newt Goes Boom

10 June 2011

With the Gingrich campaign team dispersing like ants before an ardvark onslaught, apparently over Newt’s decision to take a two week “workation” to study how the Greek’s destroyed their economy so he can get ideas if he ever takes office, and Rush having exploded Romney’s hopes over a throw away line about believing in Global Warming, the GOP has, in desperation, outsourced its search for a viable candidate to their go-to guy, Limbaugh himself. I dropped by his studio to see if I could lend a hand. The lobby was crowded with hopefuls, and there was a big stack of automatic weapons piled up at the ‘friskem’ portal which Rush had recently installed.

“I need you to leave your weapons on the pile, Sir,” said the burly lad in the Black Water uniform.

“I don’t have any,” I said.

He looked at me in disbelief. “And you want to run for President as the GOP’s candidate?”

“I’ve got a 50 cal mounted on my SUV,” I reassured him, and he waved me on through.

I found Rush in an interview room, pouring over a stack of resumes with an aide.

“I don’t see Sarah’s here. Isn’t Sarah running?”

“She’s making too much money pretending to run, Sir. Becoming President would mean too large a pay cut.”

“Understandable. Bring in the next one.”

Rush had a set of “knock out” factors he screened for which told him immediately whether someone would make a good Leader of the Free World. The next contender had all the right answers on cutting taxes, cutting spending, and dismantling health care.

“One final question, Sir. Do you believe in gravity?”

The candidate looked nervous. He knocked a pencil off the table, and it fell to the ground. “Well….I mean….Doesn’t everyone?”


Rupert Scofield


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