As promised, today we get at the root cause of one of our most vexing problems, Global Warming. As to whether human activity is the cause of global warming, scientists are equally divided — 99% say yes, 1% no. However, a new study from the the recently opened Ronald Reagan Meteorological Studies Center* weighs in heavily on the side that human activity has absolutely nothing to do with rising sea temperatures or any of the other supposed symptoms of a planet on the verge of boiling its inhabitants alive sometime in the not-too-distant future.
* A law enacted by the 122th Congress makes it a felony to name any new building after anyone but Ronald Reagan
The real cause of Global Warming ?
If you guessed Sciurus carolinensis, aka, the Grey Squirrel, congratulations! But don’t fire up that Hummer or coal furnace just yet. Bear with me while I walk you through the latest science.
Grey Squirrels originated in the UK, millions of years ago, and emigrated to America about the same time as the first settlers, and for the same reason: religious persecution. Squirrels are the chief source of Squithane, which has a molecular makeup similar to it’s bovine cousin, methane, but is 100 times more destructive to the ozone layer than methane. And, as chief researcher at the Reagan center, Cleetus Hule, explains, squithane becomes even more dangerous when combined with the sparks set off by a squirrel attempting to cross a street in heavy traffic. How so? I asked him in a telephone interview.
“You ever watch one them critters trying to cross a road in heavy traffic? You?ve seen them standing on the curb, up on their hind legs, right? Makin’ eye contact? You know what theys thinkin’. They’s thinking, this driver, he’s, like, probably one of them animal lovers, so likely as not he’s gonna stop and let me run across.”
“So the squirrel starts across. But when he gets 1/2 way, and the driver ain’t slowed down a bit, you can almost see a little bubble comin’ out of his head: ‘Huh, maybe this guy isn’t an animal lover. Maybe if I keep going, he’s going to run over my head with his left front tire.”
‘So he starts back to the curb. But by this time, there’s a car coming in the other direction. So he slams on the brakes, digging his nails into the asphalt. If you ever seen a squirrel crossing a road at night, you’ll see little sparks coming off his feet.’
These sparks, Hule explains, are what converts squithane into an even more powerful reagent, ”Acornite”, which could even be a whole new element.
What is acornite, and why should we fear it?
“We don’t know,” says Hule. “But we can assume it intends to do us harm.”
Hule has also localized the greatest concentrations of both squithane and acornite in the world, and you will never guess where that is.
Hyde Park, London.
Consider this: Every year, millions of foreign tourists pass through London, and the vast majority of them visit Hyde Park at least once. When they do, you can see them positively enraputured by the very tame grey squirrels, standing up on their hind legs, begging for peanuts and bits of cracker.
IF YOU VISIT HYDE PARK IN THE NEAR FUTURE, AND YOU SEE SOMEONE ATTEMPTING TO FEED THE SQUIRRELS, PLEASE ALERT THE NEAREST CONSTABLE, OR, IF NO POLICE IS IN THE AREA, FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Unzip your jacket.
2. Spread the panels open
3. Leap through the air towards the person feeding the squirrels. The panels of your jacket will puff out with air, giving you additional loft (think Rocky the Flying Squirrel) and enabling you to reach the offender, knock the peanuts out of his hand, and land safely a few feet away.
You will have just saved 100 Polar Bears.