Dear Kim: I’m Sooooooooo Happy 4 U!

19 August 2011

First thing, Kim, you’ve got to promise not to be angry with me. I’m supposed to go on a family vacation tomorrow, and while I told them, no, absolutely not until after Saturday, my wife put her foot down and so I’m going to have to get on that plane tomorrow afternoon which means — sigh — I’m not going to be there for you on your Special Day.

Can I take my hands off my ears now? Have you stopped cursing me yet?

And speaking of family, Wow, talk about guilt tripping me. Here you throw the Jenners over the side to make room for me, Ellen and the rest of the Last Minute Celebs, and how do I repay you? I do the no-show dance. I hope, in time, you can forgive me.

But I sooooooo totally get it, and maybe one day the Jenners will, too. (And how about this for the next episode of “Keeping Up”? The Jenners sit around the house, sulking b/c they got disinvited. Slammin’, no?) And I actually hacked into your call with Ellen, using the technology the Other Rupert shared with me, which I will reproduce for my readers b/c I know they will sooooooo totally get it, too:

E: So, where’s my invite?
K: Uhhhhhhhhh. invite?
E: Don’t play dumb with me, Miss Fairytale Wedding-of-the-Century Bride. Listen: You are “Up” now, but one day you will be Soooooooo “Down”. And that’s when you will appreciate a “Where are they now?” shot on my show. Dig it?
K: Okay, Okay! You made the list, all right? (And after Ellen hung up, K muttered the “b” word)

Oh, Kim, and one other thing: What’s up with the THREE Vera Wangs? I mean, aren’t you going to be a little warm with three layers of lace? It’s August, girl, whaddayuthinkin’? The only explanation I could come up with was a) you discovered that there two other Fairytale Weddings in H-wood planned for tomorrow so you bought up those dresses, which I totally soooooo get, b) you’re going to keep us guessing as to which you choose at the last minute, c) you’re going to do a pole dance during the ceremony?

Oh, and Kim, a little advice from someone who has been married for 27 years: Every once and a while, clear the reporters out of the room.

Rupert Scofield


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