Breaking Up Is Sooooooo Hard to Do

2 September 2011

This Feels Soooooo Wrong!

Kim, this is going to be really hard. I don’t know how to say this, other than to just say it.

I’m unfollowing you.

Whew! OMG! I can’t believe I’m doing this! We’ve been in this relationship for – what? — over four months now? Five? This is soooooooo difficult!

Listen to me, I even sound like you. And let me say this, Kim: you changed me. Before we began this affaire du coer, I thought people from The Valley led materialistic, vapid lives. Now, I’m sure of it. I mean, there was Madonna, the original ‘Material Girl’, but OMG, Kim, you so top her. And Madonna would occasionally leaven her image with something close to substance, like that song she wrote “Live to Tell”, or the so-bad-they-were-good movies she used to make, like “Swept Away”.

Which brings me to the really hard part, where I answer the “Why?” question, which I know you’re going to ask me. (And, yes, I do feel like a coward, breaking up with you via retweet – and I can just hear your friends, Sugar Ray, the Williams sisters, and rest ‘He WHAT???!!! OMG, that SOB!!!!!!!’)

So here it is, kid: I find you utterly, stultifying, boring.

Oh, and don’t think this is because of you and Kris. I found you boring even before you got married. I mean, really, is there nothing to life other than perfume, shoes, having your nails done, and hanging out at high end clubs? No? Okay, just asking.

Kim – and you HAVE to believe this; this comes from someone who has been on both the sharp and dull edge of unrequited love – there will come a day when you think to yourself ‘Wow, a whole hour went by, and I didn’t think of Rupert once!’ And then it will be two hours, and then three, and one fine day…..

So tomorrow when you wake up and open up your twitter account and find that you have one less Follower (9,508,671 instead of 9,508,672), please don’t hate me. Just because I now have 92, which means that, yes, I would have overtaken you before the end of the year.

Kim, it’s been real. And please don’t take this the wrong way, but you need to get a life. A real one, not play one on TV.

(Confidential to my subscribers/Followers: I am doing the right thing, right? This is the best thing for all of us?)

Rupert Scofield


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