A Roo of One’s Own

19 February 2011

America has it’s own Roo!

He’s a Republican Congressman, Tom Rooney, from Florida, and he gave John ‘Boo Hoo’ Boehner’s a lot to cry about the other day. More on him later. But first, let’s settle a controversy that fires many a barroom debate: what sport features the the better athletes: soccer, football, baseball, basketball, tennis, etc?

I believe the matter was settled definitively by Wayne Rooney’s upper 90 bicycle kick, described in this space last week. Granted, it takes superb coordination to lace a 100 mph fast ball out of the park, return an Andy Roddick 150 mph serve, leap through a forest of seven foot high millionaires to make a basket — but these guys do all this with their hands! Just like the famous observation that Ginger did everything Fred did, but in high heels and while moving backwards, Wayne Rooney picked a rocketing cross out of the air with his foot, while he was upside down, and drilled it into the upper corner of the goal!

But it was an unusual alliance of conservatives and liberals trying to cut the deficit who were crying GOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the other day when the $3 billion extra engine program for the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter went down to defeat. Nearly everyone opposed it, including the Secretary of Defense, but usually that doesn’t matter, especially when the project will bring jobs to home state of the Speaker of the House — in this case Boehner of Ohio.

I was there, outside Boehner’s office, my ear to the keyhole, when he took Congressman Rooney to task after the historic vote:

Boo: You knifed me in the back, Tom, and I won’t soon forget it.

Roo: Boo, I’m confused here. You said when we took power we were going to cut the deficit.

Boo: Yes, but not by cutting my pork spending! You killed a project that would benefit my constituents and my corporate paymasters! Those are the people who bankrolled my campaign and put me in this office!

Roo: But you kept saying “We’re broke”! And that we had to make sacrifices!

Boo: Not us! I was talking about the Democrats and their constituents making sacrifices! Jesus, Tom, and that’s not the worse of it. But cutting defense spending you’ve taken away one of the best weapons we have against the Liberal Dems. Now how am I going to accuse them of being unpatriotic and trying to weaken America when they push for more cuts in the defense budget?

Roo: But maybe a strong defense isn’t just about spending money. I mean, the guy that attacked us on 9/11 spent less than $100,000, and in response we’ve spend trillions and we still haven’t captured him. In fact, you could argue that spending all that money has actually put us in a weaker position, which is maybe exactly what Bin Laden intended.

Boo: Is that you talking, Roo? It doesn’t sound like you.

Roo: No, it’s that guy with his ear to the keyhole. He’s doing the Deus Ex Machina thing on me.

It’s only February, and it’s already a year like no other.

Rupert Scofield


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